Wednesday, December 7, 2011

This too Shall Pass

I knew having a newborn and a toddler was going to be hard.

But man oh man...

First and foremost, there is the sleep thing. Maybe I just repressed the memories of what it was like when Jack was born, but for some reason it seems so much worse this time around.  With one baby you can at least sleep when they are sleeping. Now, there are no breaks. Very rarely are my boys on the same schedule. Nolan, who sleeps all day, seems to be wide eyed the very moment Jack goes down for the night. Conversely, by the time Nolan finally dozes off in the morning, Jack is rip roaring and ready to go. Sometimes I wonder if they are already conspiring against me.

Then there is the fact that I haven't slept in the same bed as my husband since we got home from the hospital. Since Nolan's bewitching hours are usually from 12am-4am, we've decided to set up camp in the living room so whoever was on baby duty could actually sleep and not be awoken by a crying baby every 2 hours. So it works out pretty good for my husband who I must admit is pretty good at helping me out. The only problem is that he works and as much as I need some sleep and/or a break, I feel guilty asking him to take the baby if I know he has to work.

Of course there is also the guilt.

I feel guilty that Jack is couped up inside all day.

Guilty that sometimes I bribe him with TV and treats because it makes things so much easier some days.

I feel bad that we have gotten lax about the whole Binky thing. He only gets it and night and for naps, but lately some days when I am so tired, I let him have it during the day because it's the only thing that makes him calm down and cuddle with me. I know doing this is only going to make it harder to break him of the habit, but I can't help it. The desire for a quiet moment or a few minutes of sleep win over my better parenting judgements.

I feel bad because I am not a fan of the newborn stage. I feel horrible saying that, but I can't help it. I love my little bundle of joy, but the newborn stage is so boring and isolating. I feel like a robot most days. Feed, Burp, Change, Swaddle. Of course I want to savor every minute of my children growing up, but I can't wait until Nolan can laugh and interact with me. And sleep more than 3 hours at a time.

Even though I have 2 years of parenting experience, I still waiver in my confidence as a mother. I question my choices at every turn. I worry about juggling the needs of two kids.  I have yet to get out of the house by myself with both kids and frankly, I am terrified to but, being couped up in the house 24/7 is making me stir crazy.

You'd think that growing up Catholic I would be use to living with guilt, but I find myself having to reassure myself of things on a daily basis.

Be Patient
Calm Down
It's OK
Just Breathe
You ARE a good mother
Sleep is overrated

and my favorite

This too shall pass

Linking up with Shell over at #PYHO