Monday, February 7, 2011

I have an irrational fear

I really didn't intend on posting a McFatty post this week.
Mostly because last week was a total failure.
Because I had a giveaway that I wanted to post.
And because I am afraid to admit what I am about to tell you all because I am afraid you will think that I am silly and stupid.
But when I read Blair's post I just felt the words coming and the need to put them into motion. So I'm posting it today.
Even though I'm scared to.

Until about 25 I was skinny. Obnoxious skinny. I was the friend that could stuff her face with craptastic food and never work out and still LOSE weight.


I wish I appreciated my body more back then but I took it for granted like any self absorbed 20 something does.
See before I met my husband, I had issues. I had a poor relationship with my parents, was recovering from the loss of 2 friends, and was confused about the direction of my life. I was "happy" on the outside but underneath it all I had confidence issues and was lonely. But after I met my husband and our relationship began to grow, slowly I started to shed my insecurities. He was everything I was looking for and more. I was so sickeningly over the moon in love with him. I was so grateful. I was so happy.

The years have gone by...
An amazing little boy that has my eyes.

All these things have increased my waistline.

& my happiness

There are times that I feel ashamed of the number staring back at me on the scale. Times I am angry that I can't fit into the cute clothes I used to buy. And it's these times that I am compelled to jump on the treadmill, buy the latest diet book and clean out my pantry. Sometimes I do. I plan out my diet and post on McFatty Mondays. I share my struggles with all of you. But it never lasts.
Because I am scared...

I feel exponentially blessed with my life.
And if I could drop 20 lbs. life would be darn near perfect.
But who lives a perfect life??
I was skinny.
I had a great body
But I had little else in my life that made me happy
& now my body is not exactly what I desire it to be, but I have so much more.
A husband.
A son
A home
A family
A life I am happy to wake up to everyday.
&I feel like that can be taken away from me at any moment.
&that it is greedy of me to want more
to be thinner and look better.
to want it all.

So I sabotage myself week in and week out. Because to me perfection is not worth it.

What is your biggest fear?