If you are new or need a refresher course please check out this post on my first set of rules!
Serving the general public is an exercise in patience. If you've ever served/waitressed/bartended you know why. Dining out can turn otherwise normal and functioning people into pure idiots.
Though to be fair some of those people were idiots to begin with.
Since there is no required reading on how to act in a restaurant, I'd like to take this opportunity to pass some wisdom onto you.
*Split checks are a pain in the ass. If you absolutely positively must have split checks let your server know this at the BEGINNING of the meal. Nothing is worse than having a party of 15 people that ask for separate checks at the end of the meal and then trying to figure out who ordered what and how many beers they had. Also, if you asked for separate checks don't be an impatient asshole when you are waiting for your change/credit card back. I can only process 15 cards/get change so fast.
*Be realistic about time: Something you should know....time in a restaurant is no different than time outside a restaurant. So please don't tell me you waited a half hour for your food when I can see on your ticket that it only took 14 minutes or tell me no one has greeted you for 20 minutes when I saw you just sit down.
*If you want coffee go to Starbucks: In most casual restaurants there is one shitty coffee maker that was made back in the Mad Men era. And most days one pot of coffee is all that's made. So if old stale coffee is your thing....order away. And hot tea?? If you want to have a tea party- stay home.
*Don't be such a hoarder: Please don't ask me for extra napkins/refills/to-go boxes and other misc. items that you are never going to use. Once they hit your table, most of them have to get thrown out. Even if you haven't used them. And don't ask me for water AND your drink and then never touch the water. There are some countries that don't even have clean drinking water, so you wasting yours is like a giant F-you to them.
*Show me your VIP card: Saying things like "I come here all the time" or "So and So always does it for me" will get your nowhere. If you are a regular than you should be aware of how things are done. And if you have a favorite server than sit in his/her section. Otherwise shut the hell up.
*Basic reading and math skills are required: Yes, it's my job to know what's on the menu. It is not my job, however, to read it all to you. And if you only have a certain amount of money to spend, then it is you're job to stay within your limit, not mine. Prices are on the menu for a reason.
*The sign on the door is there for a reason: Would you go to a place like Taco Bell and ask if they sever taco's?? No. Then don't go to a wing joint and ask if they sell wings or into a bar and ask if they serve beer. Please use your common sense people.
*You are not the sun: I did not come to work to solely wait on you. Other people need refills, more ranch, and to order/pay etc. Keep your
*I left my crystal ball at home: I don't know what you "feel" like and when I ask you what kind of dressing you'd like, "whatever" is not an appropriate answer. And if you tell me to " just pick one" for you, know that I probably won't be picking my personal favorite.
*Ready means ready: Don't call me over and tell me you are ready and when I get there, look blindly at the menu and say "hmmm what do I want". Or insist your group is ready and then spend 6 minutes debating over the Nachos or Mushrooms for an appetizer and whether you are going to have the burger or salad. I have other things to do and we both know you are going to order the burger. You aren't fooling anyone.
*No, I wont buy you a beer: Even if you are my most favorite customer. I don't have a comp card and last I checked I'm working to put food on my table not because I like volunteering my free time to help stupid people eat. You wouldn't go to the grocery store and ask the clerk to buy you a gallon of milk would you??