Monday, September 6, 2010

This is my confession

I have baby fever.

When Kev and I decided it was time for kids the plan-and I use that term loosely-was after Jack was born we'd wait until right before his first birthday to try for #2. Then we had Jack and decided to push it back a year. And now...I find myself wanting to back to plan A.

It all started a couple of weeks ago when I was pulling out my maternity clothes to lend to a friend. As I was packing them up for her, I felt strangely nostalgic. I wouldn't go as far as some women and say I LOVE being pregnant, but aside from the first trimester morning sickness, the rest wasn't so bad.
And now I can't stop thinking about adding to the family.
But it's no small matter, so I've had a lot on my mind lately.
On one hand, I still want to enjoy more time with just Jack. I worry about what the stress of adding another baby to the mix will do to our family dynamic. Kev and I have had it pretty easy with Jack. While having him has put the usual stresses on us as a couple, I think we have faired pretty well as parents thus far. But I worry about how another baby will change that. Especially if this next baby isn't as "easy" as Jack has been.

Other worries: money. Since I quit my full time job after Jack was born we don't have as much coming in. Especially because my part time job is serving, which means that the money flow week to week is inconsistent. And I don't have paid maternity leave this time around, so any time I take off is unpaid. Of course I also worry about things like, having trouble conceiving again, facing another miscarriage and overall the ease of another pregnancy. I was lucky the first time around. The constant nausea I felt the first 3 months was over all the only "bad" part of my pregnancy. (That and being 2 weeks overdue, but that wont be a problem this time around. The C-section will be scheduled!)
I know that most of my worry comes from the fact that I am so scared that this happy little bubble will burst someday Sometimes I also like to think that if I can envision all the things that may go wrong, I can prevent them from actually happening. Or at least prepare myself for them. It's a little like Charlotte from the first Sex and the City movie. One of my favorite scenes -besides the one where she poops her pantsis the one where Charlotte stops running because she is afraid something will go wrong with her pregnancy.
Carrie Bradshaw: What makes you think something bad is gonna happen?
Charlotte York: Because! Nobody gets everything they want! Look at you, look at Miranda. You're good people and you two both got shafted. I'm so happy and... something bad is going to happen.
Carrie Bradshaw: Sweetie, you shit your pants this year. I think you're done.

I realize that I can not let fear and worry rule my life. I know that I cannot control the future and that for as much struggle as I may face, I will also experience more incredible joy. So I'm trying to look at all the good things a new baby will bring: The idea that Jack will have another little someone to play with. I can't wait to see him be the amazing big brother that he is going to be. I also want to have another baby soon, because I want to be done having kids while I am still young enough to enjoy them. So I can keep up with them!

Obviously, I haven't made my mind up yet. I still I need to mull over this one for a few more days. Until then I have a question for all you mom's out there:

If you have more than 1: After your first, how did you know it was time for #2?
If you only have 1: When do you think you will go for #2

I always like to meet new people, so feel free to answer in a comment or use this question as inspiration for a blog post. This is my first try at using an link tool, so hopefully it works!


Anonymous said...

Money situations don't usually change - and if you wait until "you're ready" then you'll likely never have "enough" money to have more kids :) We don't have DVR (gasp), we have basic cell phone service without extras (gasp gasp), don't subscribe to movie channels/packages, don't spend money to go out very often, etc. Maybe that makes us sound boring to some people, but it has allowed us afford a mortgage and let me stay at home with the kids.

We started trying right away after our first, but due to different circumstances than most. I needed to get back on a disease-modifying treatment to try to get my MS back under control. I was afraid that if I went back on to a treatment before getting pregnant, I'd never stabilize enough to go off of it again. But with my disease progressing out of control, we had just given up on baby #2 and had the neurology appointment scheduled to go back on a med when (two days before the appt) I realized I was late - and voila, there was Kylie. Had I not gotten pregnant at that moment, maybe we never would have had more than one. Or maybe I would have gotten on a treatment instead and wouldn't be physically where I'm at today. Who knows, and who cares? The past can't be changed.

What I do know is that I regret to this day having Ken get fixed. It was the right thing at the time, because pregnancies were so hard on my body. But I always wanted a bigger family, and as the rest of you are starting your own, I really wish I was able to still have a few more too!

Mrs. Boom said...

I don't know that there is ever a perfect time and money, well, it's going to be an issue on some level for most people unless your are independently wealthy or hit lotto. We have not had to make sacrifices in our lifestyle for our first child but, will likely need to for our second. My job (now part-time) may be the thing that goes first as daycare for two babes would likely take so much of my salary that it wouldn't be worth me working. That's yet to be determined though. We are also toying with moving to an area with a much lower cost of living to make everythign easier (we're right outside of NYC now).

Anyway, our son is 8.5 months and we're talking about TTC again next cycle. We would like to have three children and I'm going to be 36 in a few months (eep!). I don't want to wait too long and tempt fate.