Saturday, June 5, 2010

What am I?

I guess I've been writing a lot of "fluff" lately. And I'm not saying that's a bad thing. Life itself is heavy and complex and sometimes you turn to a hobby as an escape from all that. Sometimes it's easier to write about tv shows and your addiction to your child's baby food.
But in between the "fluffy" parts of life there are the real ones. Good or bad, these are the moments that shape and define your life. These are the moments that make you stop and take stock of your life and the people in it. These are the times that you ask the big questions. Like who am I? What am I?

I think I am on the edge of such moment...

I've always been caught somewhere between optimism and pessimism. Positivity & Negativity.
Partially, I blame on the way I was raised. I grew up in a household where my mother and my grandmother (who lived with us) were the epitome of pessimism. Their glass wasn't half empty-it was empty. They worried about anything and everything under the sun, and every case was a worst case scenario. As I got older, I hated this and vowed that I would try to see the more optimistic side of life. I swore I would never live my life with such worry over the "what if's" & that I would never let fear or what might happen dictate what I let happen.
And for the most part I do consider myself an optimistic, positive person. I try my best not to worry over things I can't control and I find comfort in the idea that "everything happens for a reason".
But I am only human.
And sometimes, even though I try my best not to, worry and doubt creep their way into my life.

So you are probably asking yourself...why such the heavy writing tonight?
Someone very close to me is having some serious health issues right now. We are in that stage where no one really has an answer yet. Where doctors are vaguely telling you things like, "It could be something, or it could be nothing." So the optimist in me is saying that everything will be fine, while the pessimist in me is preparing for the worst.
Hopefully the optimist will prevail and I can go back to my "fluffy" life. Until then please keep me and my family in your prayers.

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